I Guess, At Least I Should Try

In this time of great foreboding, pregnant with flashbacks of fear and pain

I find that I’m, at times transported back, into the not so distant past

Where forgiveness gave birth to love and caring, on a not so fertile plane

Of alienation, of righteous anger, and a life filled with hate, blame and shame

 

I find myself in fond remembrance, of beatific and sweet, elderly faces

Shaped by a lifetime of struggle and resolve, to survive, to overcome

The mistakes, the misgivings, the overwhelming times and places

The bruising losses, forgotten causes that only the aging of the mind erases

 

I remember the words “You’re a good daughter” I’d waited so long to hear

The gentle touches, the loving embraces that I never dreamed would come

The laughter, the fun of afternoon games, all of the times I hold so dear

I’m angry these memories are now overshadowed, by flashes of pain and fear

 

I want to hold on to them, to keep them safe, in a secret place within my heart

I want to remember the wizened faces, the people Mom and Dad had become

I want to beat back the searing flashbacks of the abuses that drove us apart

And to only remember the beatific faces that allowed love back into my heart

 

But I know that healing can’t come until, all the abuse is brought to light

That my shattered soul can’t become one, until each aspect’s pain is known

And I do want to heal my splintered self and I do want to do what’s right

But I’m terrified to go back, to that 12 year old me, trapped in her endless night

 

Back to that night when, what I’ve come to believe, will surely become a lie

Back to childhood’s end, where pain and fear imprison that terrified child

I don’t want to know! I don’t want to see! I don’t want to go back there, I cry

But love says, I must free the imprisoned me, so, I guess, at least I should try

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